May 5

Sat '12

Going through phases

Oh the guilt really is killing me. Well actually it is coming at me in waves. Sometimes I don’t care about what I am doing and then sometimes the guilt eats me up inside. In case you are wondering what I am babbling about, I am talking about Weight Watchers. I have been off the plan for almost a year. I haven’t tracked what I have eaten in a full day in probably that long, at least. I go through phases where I say “screw it,” and then phases where I try to be dedicated to the WW plan. It seems more and more that I tend to go with the screw it angle.

So much of my hard work has gone down the drain and this sabotage has lead me to gain 19lbs away from my goal weight. Who knew it could creep up so fast?! But seriously, I knew it would happen. I let it happen. I knowingly chose to go to Mcdonalds and Dairy Queen day after day instead of cooking a healthy meal at home. Why you ask? Well I have no idea. It’s self sabotage and I don’t know why I strayed so far. It’s not as if I totally deprived myself when I was losing my weight. I let myself cheat once a week when I got to have and unhealthy meal. So why do I crave so many unhealthy things?!

It’s not only the eating thing either. I haven’t been to the gym in weeks and I’ve only gone for half a dozen runs in the last month or so. The runs that I have completed have almost KILLED me each time. I am seriously out of shape. I don’t have the endurance I had a year ago. I have to take more walking breaks than ever and I just can’t go for as far or long as I used to. A 10KM run used to be my everyday kind of exercise. To put it into perspective, I went for a 4KM run yesterday and had to walk 3 times during the run. How disgusting is that?! Ugh.

There will be NO MORE destruction on my body and mind!!! This up and down in my psyche has to end. I am sick of feeling so stressed and guilty all the time. It is time to buckle down and get back to my goal weight. I have a whole hell of a lot more weight to lose now than I did many months ago when I last decided to get back on the wagon. Guess that didn’t happen, eh?!

Well the time has now come, for real. I know that people are starting to notice my weight gain. I mean how can you not notice 19lbs?! In the very least, I have noticed in the way I look and how my clothes fit. I am the one who has to look in the mirror every day. It makes me sick to think about how far I have come and how little respect I am showing to my accomplishment.

There are no more excuses. None. The time has come to lose this dreaded weight.

Filed under: Personal, Running, Weight Watchers
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4 Responses to “Going through phases”

  • Erica
    May 6, 2012 @ 2:50 pm

    I know how you feel, Carolynne. I got so close to my goal (138 pounds, goal 135 pounds), then I went through a really tough time and packed a few pounds back on. I’m up to about 146 right now and finally emerging from the blahs that made me want to stuff my face with bad food and sleep instead of work out. Your goal to get back on the wagon is the inspiration and the kick in the butt I need to get going again!

  • Kylie
    May 7, 2012 @ 9:33 am

    You’re strong, you can do this! But try not to beat yourself up about it either; for me, that just leads to more self-defeating behaviours. Best of luck, and we all know you can make it!

  • Cathrine
    May 8, 2012 @ 10:23 pm

    Hm. I need a kick in the butt as well. I know what to do, but I just haven’t done it, and the guilt is horrible :O

    *waves cheerleader pompoms* GOOO CAROLYNNE! 😀

  • Cristina
    May 14, 2012 @ 11:18 pm

    I just want you to know that you are totally not alone, and I have basically been going through the same thing. I haven’t been to a WW meeting in over six months. I’ve been going through phases as well. A lot of it has to do with my school and work schedule. I’m hoping once I am done with school and in stable work environment that I can get back on track. Don’t lose motivation!

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