Jan 9

Thu '14

Losing her

I have wanted to write this post for almost 2 years. I never have because I haven’t wanted to air my dirty laundry on this blog. Also writing it down makes it all so real. However, it has affected me so deeply that I simply need to share and get some advice. Please be prepared, this is a long one.

I have this friend. A best friend. We have been friends ever since we were 7 years old. That is almost 20 years. We laughed a couple years ago because our relationship actually became legal when it turned 18. Those are the kind of things we joke about and have fun with. We understand each other. We often have the same wave length in thoughts and can so often finish each other’s sentences. We don’t keep secrets from each other. We used to hang out all the time when we were younger and lived a block away from each other. It was fun and easy. We were like two peas in a pod. When I got a job at 14, she only lasted a month before she followed me and started work at the same place as well. She was bored out of her mind without a playmate on the weekends. She was the person I grew up with. She knows me. She was the maid of honour at my wedding and I was so happy to have her stand up there with me.

Over the years, things have changed. We have grown up and our lives have become vastly different than when we were kids. No, we don’t live a block away from each other anymore and with different things going on in our lives, it becomes increasingly difficult to get together. However, we have always manage dto make time for each other. That is until the past year or two. We still work at the same place, so we do see each other every weekend, but we don’t have time to chat because we are working. Plus, with everyone else around, we can’t talk about anything really personal.

Trying to get a hold of her is frustrating. I call her and she never answers. Then she’ll text me back a few hours later giving me an excuse why she didn’t answer and asking me what’s up. Now let me say this, I like texting. I prefer it over talking on the phone in most circumstances. However, there are times when I would just like to chat over the phone. So when I do call, obviously I don’t want a text back. She just doesn’t get it. I am sick of calling her and getting no answer.

In some ways, I feel a little used in our friendship. She always has time to text me when she wants praise for something that happened in her life or when she wants to complain about her family or work. Once in a while she will ask something about me, but it is only after she has exhausted her drama. She will text me at random times just to brag or bitch. I used to love hearing from her, but now I am just getting tired of hearing the same old crap. Either do something about it or stop complaining. Seriously.

We have made so many plans to get together month after month and yet we haven’t actually done it in ages. She has cancelled every single one of our dates. Not me, HER. Our latest date was supposed to be on Wednesday. We arranged it on Saturday and we were going to have dinner and possibly see a movie. I said to myself and to Peter that I bet she was going to cancel. I just had a feeling. However, she texted me about 3 times leading up to Wednesday saying that she was excited. That gave me positive feelings about our date. Low and behold come Wednesday morning and she cancelled. AGAIN. She always has an excuse. Whether it be she’s not feeling well, something is wrong with her dog, her fiancee needs her or something of the like. She is pushing me away. I don’t even know if she knows what she is doing. She is losing a friend and I don’t know if our relationship can be repaired.

About a year in a half ago she had a little bit of a break down. What with school and other things in her life, she just couldn’t handle things. She went to the doctor and was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder. She was put on heavy medication and had to see a psychiatrist a couples times a week. Now that she has learned about her disease and that so many of her symptoms are explained by it, she is doing very well. She is aware what she can do without having an anxiety attack. Because of her disease, I feel like I can’t even try to approach her with my little issues. I don’t want to stress her out. I want to be there for her to let her stress out, not cause more of it. However, relationships cannot be only one sided. Our new relationship has made me increasingly stressed out and is actually breaking my heart. I don’t want to lose my best friend but I also do not feel as if we are actually best friends any more. I don’t feel as important to her anymore.

She developed a new friendship with another person and I honestly used to be jealous of this new friend because the two of them seemed to be hanging out all the time. I felt as if she was replacing our friendship. Then the new friend became a little obsessive. Wanting to come over all the time and just spend hours together sitting and doing nothing. Texting hundreds of times a day as well. My friend would come to me to bitch about her and how annoying she was. Although she wasn’t quite brave enough to tell this new friend that she didn’t want a relationship like that. I learned what not to do in our friendship and felt like I needed to pull myself away. I didn’t want to be the friend that was complained about. I always wanted to be the person that she came to when she needed to get away from everyone else. Unfortunately, I may have pulled away too far? I don’t know. I think there was a tear in our relationship long before this new friendship.

I have been brought to tears so much in the last little while when I think about our friendship. I am getting to the point where I don’t even want to talk to her at work because I am so upset and she is so oblivious. I keep trying to get together with her to explain how I feel but she ALWAYS cancels on our dates. I never have a chance to get her one on one. It is becoming increasingly impossible to talk with her. She probably doesn’t even see what is happening and that makes me even sadder. How can she not see that she is losing a friend?! A best friend.

So if you made it all the way down here, thank you. Thank you for reading and listening. My heart hurts so much right now and I know I need to tell her how I feel. If I can’t explain to her, then there is no one I can ever tell. Seriously, we are supposed to be sisters. I want to tell her how I feel and try to mend this breaking friendship.

What can I say to her to make our relationship better? Any advice is helpful. I’m desperate and heartbroken and I am hoping it can only get better from here.

Filed under: Friends, Personal
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6 Responses to “Losing her”

  • Sean
    January 9, 2014 @ 6:27 pm

    I think the best way to have this serious uncomfortable conversation with her is in a way that would be comfortable with her and that seems to be texting. I know it’s not the most ideal way of speaking with her, but if she’s most comfortable through texting that might be the best way.

    Like you said, she cancels every time she has plans, that could be due to her anxiety issues or something else, but she also seems to not want to talk on the phone, but she will text, so that is the medium you might have to talk with her. Tell her you are feeling abused in the relationship, that you feel it’s one sided, and that every time you want to hang out with her things come up and she cancels. Tell you that despite all that, you still value her and want to get over this hump and get back to being the friends you used to be.

  • Caity
    January 10, 2014 @ 4:39 am

    I’m really sorry that you are going through this difficult period with your friend. I hope an outsider’s perspective will help.

    I think the best thing is always to just talk. Send her a text and tell her that you really want to meet up and talk. Maybe you could grab a coffee after work or during lunch since you said you guys work together. Tell her how you feel. If you have been friends for as long as you have, I’m sure that if you just tell her how you feel, she will understand. A tip, because I have been in this situation before, try not to put any blame on her. It is easy to let feelings get in the way when you are upset and it seems like you are trying to hand out blame even if it is not your intention. Just focus on your feelings and what you want and try not to focus on what she has or hasn’t done even though that’s what you are upset about. If you word it right, she will understand and most likely respect you for it once she has had the opportunity to reflect on what you have said.

    Good luck. I hope it works out.

  • Kirsten
    January 11, 2014 @ 2:49 pm

    I have to say I don’t completely agree with Sean about texting her to tell her how you feel. I think I agree more with Caity and just using the text as a way to say that you want to meet up and talk. Then lay it all out on the line. I know your scared of loosing her, but from the sounds of it if you do nothing, then you pretty much already have.

    I am really sorry that you have to go through this. It’s a really hard situation to be in. I know with her anxiety you are scared and don’t want to make things worse for her but in the long run not talking about it will.

    I agree with Caity as well about focusing on your feelings more then what she has and hasn’t done. Ask her if she feels the same? I’m sure deep down she does, she likely feels the drift as well. And to be honest, having suffered badly from anxiety in the past myself she is likely scared to approach you about it. I know you feel it is all one sided but I am sure she must be feeling something too. She may just be repressing out of of anxiety of what will happen if she brings it up.

    At this point I really don’t think you can make it worse. Good luck I really hope it all works out.

  • Agent Q
    January 12, 2014 @ 5:50 pm

    Sorry to hear that. It isn’t fair that your friend flakes out on you like that at the last minute, especially since you make every effort to meet with her and have a good time. The fact that she is diagnosed with anxiety disorder doesn’t help, considering the fact that it makes the relationship really complicated. For that reason, I don’t blame you for taking a more delicate route in fixing your friendship.

    People who read this may disagree with me for suggesting the drastic proposal, but please hear me out. You may have to actually cut ties with her. Temporarily, of course. With a clearly defined time frame.

    I know it’s counter intuitive, but think about it. Whatever her reason is, and regardless of the severity of her diagnosis, the way she bails out on you reminds me of someone who take you for a spin. Your relationship with her is already at her mercy. She has full control of it anyways. That’s not right nor fair for you. Cutting ties with a clear intention in mind and letting her know why you do it helps you regain agency over this friendship. Not only will you have a fair share of power in this friendship, she will also begin to realize how much she has taken you for granted, as soon as she is deprived of the opportunity to “use you” at her convenience. Just remember though, before you cut her off, leave her a text or a message telling her why you’re doing this, and when you will be open for talking to her again. I think it’s only fair.

    I don’t blame you for your hesitance. But just think about it. Quick anecdote: I used the said technique when dealing with a breakup after my ex dumped me. After 2 months, we started talking again, and we are back to being friends. It helped me forgive and move on, and I get the same vibe from my ex, who acknowledge that this technique wasn’t as drastic as he had initially thought.

    I hope this helped, and I wish you two well!

  • Cat
    January 12, 2014 @ 11:51 pm

    It’s always tough when a friendship starts changing for the worse :( I’m sorry to hear that you’re having issues with your friend right now. I would normally suggest having a serious conversation with her in person or on the phone, but it sounds like both options wouldn’t work. Does she check email at least? In the past, I couldn’t get up the courage to talk on the phone, so I wrote a long email with my thoughts. If she doesn’t check email, then I guess you’d have to use text instead =/

    I like how Caity said to focus on your feelings. Some people can get defensive if it sounds like a blame game. I would probably let her know that you’re worried about both her and your relationship with her. I hope something works out and that you’ll have a chance to seriously talk to her!

  • Joy
    January 15, 2014 @ 2:46 pm

    I’m really sorry for your hurt and frustration. I’ve come to this bump in the road a few times now and I know it’s never easy but it does get better. I hope it gets better for you, love.

    I know this is old fashioned but I was always taught that writing a letter with your feelings is usually the most effective way to communicate with someone. It shows effort on our part and that you felt seriously enough to write down what is going on in your mind and heart.

    I hope it works out for you!

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